But the greatest of these is LOVE

Grammar stops at love, and at art. ~Valentine Sterling

Monday, December 14, 2009

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth

The past few weeks have been busy ones. School, work, skating and singing. I never thought I was that busy but, I guess it's all catching up to me now! 

I'm slowly starting to see that I need to do more for myself. Instead of trying to please others, I need to be happy with myself and the good news is, I'm getting there.

I started skating again and I'm falling back  in love with one of the many gifts that God has given me. Being able to be on the ice and get back to jumping and spinning after five years is similar to being a little kid with out any fear. Just going for it. I've missed it so much.

      I haven't had this much fun on the ice in a long time! Except when I'm coaching of course.

After this past weekend, which was a busy one. Teaching voice and piano, coaching skating and trying to study for finals, I woke up with a positive outlook. Making sure that things weren't going to get me down, no matter what was going to happen to me for the day.  So far, so good.  B in one of my most difficult classes and I'm happy with that. Four more exams to go and then I'm free for a month!

Praying for all to have a wonderful Christmas season and wonderful New Year.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

Love can wait to give. Lust can't wait to get. - Jason Evert

I've been lying to myself, on and off, for several years. I've been lying about the topics of Love and Lust. Two complete opposites, but so easy to confuse. In my post Faith in Truth,Truth in Faith, I wrote briefly about how I put my cares to the side(didn't throw them away) and thought the world would be better thru the eyes of a party animal, if at least for a short while. Now, I'm not going to write in depth about my personal experience with love and lust because it's still something I'm hurt over. Or, rather they are TWO things that I struggled/struggle with and things in relationships are still painful because of them.

People say, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all."

True?.. You learn about who you are with your first love. I know that because I wasn't intimate with my first love, I felt a lot better after we broke up. His break up words to me were, "well, don't you think sex would be a good way to end it?" I was horrified, I kicked him out of my car. I saw him a few years later and he told me I wouldn't believe the things he was doing in the bedroom. Yea. Cause I cared so much.

Okay, maybe it did hit me, a little. Little too much. From that moment I wanted to drop the good girl act I had going on and get back to my wild side. Well, what I thought my wild side was, was still pretty tame compared to other girls, but that still doesn't justify things I've done and I shouldn't be comparing myself to other girls in the first place. I went to visit my boyfriend at the time who was skiing for a county that I wont name for sake of privacy. He wasn't a "lustful" person. I was debating if I should be intimate with him or not. It was a weird situation but turned out more loving than lustful. I was his first real girlfriend and he was a few years older.  I really loved him. He really cared. I still do, as a friend and he might not know it, but he was the first real nice, honest guy I dated. This guy would write love letters that I still keep and read to this day. I still can't believe that I hurt him the way I did. I'm so proud of him though. He'll be going to the Olympics this year and I will be cheering him on!

I continued to date after Skiing boyfriend. I met a young man from church and he was amazing.  We were both going through a weird time in our lives. (Who isn't/doesn't?) He, just dumped by the girl he moved to MA for and I, just broke up with Skier to be single... And to date Church Boy. I was 19 and confused. Church Boy and I spent a lot of time with the youth group and I loved dating someone who was so in love with their faith. It helped me fall in love with mine all over again. I will be forever grateful for that. We ended up dating for a few months and he was moving back California when, it happened.  A little more than kissing and a question/statement, "if this is going to work, you'll have to move to California." He was the first guy I was ever comfortable being with being myself. I learned later that I  was infatuated. Mistaking infatuation and LUST with LOVE. Sad but true. End of story.. I moved to Cali and it didn't work out. Lesson learned and I didn't date for a year. That was by far, the best year of my life.

You live. You LOVE. You learn.

Because I told myself I wouldn't date when I was in Cali, I went to church everyday, prayed and seriously considered religious life. I flew out to Colorado six months after living in Cali to help with a retreat at the St. Malo Center in Estes Park, CO. I spoke with a nun about my experience and when asked about my heart in regards to religious life, I told her how beautiful I thought religious life was. To totally give yourself to God in that way after He gave his Son's life for our sins. No words. When asked about marriage, I turned my face to hide the tears.

Marriage to me is everything. To go through life with that one person and give yourself totally to God together as two people who are now one. Well, let me tell you. I still hold that near to my heart. With that she told me that God wouldn't put that desire there if I wasn't called to marriage. I still feel called to this day. I just need to remember that God is going to put that person in my life, I can't tell him who he is going to put in my life.

After a year in California, I was ready to move home.  I did meet someone right before I left and we are still good friends to this day.  Zack, he's another amazing person in my life today :)

I ended up dating a guy from school six month after I returned home from a crazy trip to Italy. I had a bad summer. I was in Italy and acting out on emotion. I acted like I didn't care. Truth is, I didn't care, until after. Sometimes, I'm haunted by these things. Lust scares the crap out of me. It just acts so nice in the beginning.. to bad it leaves you lost and empty in the end.

With the new BF, I let myself go spiritually and I'm disappointed that I ever dated him. I'll leave it at that.

After BF, I started school again and for once, put myself first. Then a friend introduced me to a passionate faith-filled guy.

He flew out to MA for the weekend, to hang out and for us to meet (I think?). He and I had talked previously to meeting and I really enjoyed our conversations. We met and everything was great. Nice, put together and a gentleman. He didn't kiss me until two days after meeting me and it was innocent with a spark. After he left, he called me and we talked about me possibly flying out to where he was. I thought about it and thought some more. I said no, no thank you. I said no because I wanted this to be a good thing. I didn't want to start doing something that wasn't going to go anywhere.

Eventually, Flyer Guy flew me out to his home and we had  a great time. He flew out to MA a few weeks after and then things got weird. Probably because I asked if we were dating or not, a few other hiccups along with that and I knew then, this might not be good. Except for the fact that he was "different" from all the others.

Well, LUST took over that relationship and I'm still broken up about it. I only pray that I may get to have this person back in my life the way God intended. I want a due over.

I have met someone, We'll call him Max, after the main character in his favorite book. He is different and let me tell you, he supports my desire to complete 365 Days of Purity (book by Jason Evert) till I'm married. 365 days might turn into 1460 days but he doesn't care and he's is a friend who I was keeping at arms length and I still am because I'm so afraid. The point is, it's not lustful and that I love. He is a great friend.



Thursday, December 3, 2009

Faith in Truth, Truth in Faith

It's been six years since my big career change from Skating for Italy to Music Business Major at Berklee College of music. Four years since a lot of firsts. First real break-up, career move, actually moving away from home and leaving the family behind, the list goes on and on. My life has worked in reverse since I can remember. I was living a 30 year olds lifestyle before I was 18 years old. (Break up number one told me that) I always wanted things right away and as I got older, left high school to purse a skating career. I was home schooled my junior and senior year and by then, I was living in Lake Placid, Ny. I was as miserable as any 18 year old would be, who had the world at their fingertips. I was living in Milan, Italy previous to Lake Placid and let me tell you, I wanted to be on the first plane back.

After my first year in Lake Placid, I had a family, meaning team members, coaches and co-workers. Couldn't live with them and to this day, can't live without them. (I'm realizing this now)
My mother and father are the two most supportive people in my life. They kept me in Lake Placid against my will and if not for that, I would be a mess. I had a commitment to keep and I had a huge problem with commitment. I was always afraid I would be missing out on something else and to commit myself to a place where nothing happened, well I wasn't to keen on that.

I finally got over it and being in the best shape of my life and pretty cute too, decided that I would take advantage of the world and what it had to offer. Party party party.. Hard to admit now, but I was a crazy young lady and wanted everyone to want me. I was at every World Cup Event for winter sports and any semi famous athlete, well I wanted them to know who I was.

Note, at the this time I was going to church every Sunday, just as I did when I lived in Milan and just as I did when I was a child. When I needed a place to sit and think, I would go into the church and there I found peace. A place where I didn't hear people talk about weight, programs, who was wearing what and hooking up with who. It was me and God and that's all I cared about. The one commitment in my life that is well and alive to this day.

I received a phone call from a Catholic organization during my second year in LP. The man on the other end of line might not know it now, but he changed my life that day. He asked me if I was going to Mass regularly and I was. After a few more questions he asked if I was interested in being on the speakers bureau. Of course I was interested, for many different reasons though. I wanted to speak to people about how hard it was to live two separate lives, knowing that the one you really want to be living is the better part. So what if I stopped going to parties, dating and got in tune to who I really was? Why couldn't I do it and then get it together? Get me together. I struggled with this everyday.

Well, I was put on the Catholic Athlete website and something changed. I started going to church even more and actually thought about who I was and who I wanted to be. That would change more times in the course of five years then undergrads change what they want to major in in four! I went all over the board with who I was. I dated great guys and not so great guys. Those who told me that I changed them for the better and left me hanging and those who changed me for the worse and then it happened. I stopped caring. Again.

I moved back home after two and half year in Lake Placid. I was contracted to be there for three but I broke my ankle, was afraid I would gain weight, stopped eating and then when I was back on the ice after two months of ups and downs. I was doing well until my body told me enough was enough. I told people I wanted out and I wanted out now. Everyone knew I wouldn't last much longer in the skating world, and I took my broken ankle as blessing. I had time to think about what I needed and wanted and I fought a good fight. I moved back home and started volunteering with the youth group at church, coaching figure skating and getting back together with old friends. I met someone from church and we started dating. Three months went by and love was in the air and was about to leave. I was told the only way it would work out for us was if I moved. Within 4 months I was living in California and was left alone. Yup I moved and things faded. My faith saved me. I refused to give up faith in him. Everyone was going through something and after a year I was ready to move back home. No regrets, lesson learned and now it was time to go home and really get my life rolling.

I applied to Berklee, got in and had a goal. I was finally living my life for me instead of changing myself for whoever I was dating. (Whatever that means) Relationships were and are still the part of my life I think I have control over. I forget that I let God take care of a lot in my life, except boyfriends. Anyway, I was happy being single. I had a Great job that I was slowly starting to hate from time to time and doing well in every class. I was confident being myself outside of the rink for the first time in my life.

I met a friend of a friend and low and behold the weekend was fun. Nice, funny and put together, I thought, no need to jump in. I wanted to stay a safe distance and that was a first for me. Then, when I was ready to leap and I thought I saw an opening, well.. I got shut down.  A year later since this first meeting and what has been constant since this meeting and career change? Faith. Friends and family give me advise, they cheer me up and take me out. I'm working more for the church and happiest when I'm working with kids and directing the Children's Choir. I have faith in the people I have hurt in relationships and faith in the people who have hurt me.

So, with Faith in Truth I live today. Tomorrow, my faith in people will remain. Especially in those who think that just because my career has changed a 100 times might mean I'm not together, well... they don't live my life everyday and I don't live theirs. I'm working on being happy after I realized I was wearing so many masks, I couldn't find my face. I was letting other people decide who I should be. Seeing this for myself, I have faith that God will bring me the person who will let me keep my face and heart for that matter, the way He intended.