I've been lying to myself, on and off, for several years. I've been lying about the topics of Love and Lust. Two complete opposites, but so easy to confuse. In my post Faith in Truth,Truth in Faith, I wrote briefly about how I put my cares to the side(didn't throw them away) and thought the world would be better thru the eyes of a party animal, if at least for a short while. Now, I'm not going to write in depth about my personal experience with love and lust because it's still something I'm hurt over. Or, rather they are TWO things that I struggled/struggle with and things in relationships are still painful because of them.
People say, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all."
True?.. You learn about who you are with your first love. I know that because I wasn't intimate with my first love, I felt a lot better after we broke up. His break up words to me were, "well, don't you think sex would be a good way to end it?" I was horrified, I kicked him out of my car. I saw him a few years later and he told me I wouldn't believe the things he was doing in the bedroom. Yea. Cause I cared so much.
Okay, maybe it did hit me, a little. Little too much. From that moment I wanted to drop the good girl act I had going on and get back to my wild side. Well, what I thought my wild side was, was still pretty tame compared to other girls, but that still doesn't justify things I've done and I shouldn't be comparing myself to other girls in the first place. I went to visit my boyfriend at the time who was skiing for a county that I wont name for sake of privacy. He wasn't a "lustful" person. I was debating if I should be intimate with him or not. It was a weird situation but turned out more loving than lustful. I was his first real girlfriend and he was a few years older. I really loved him. He really cared. I still do, as a friend and he might not know it, but he was the first real nice, honest guy I dated. This guy would write love letters that I still keep and read to this day. I still can't believe that I hurt him the way I did. I'm so proud of him though. He'll be going to the Olympics this year and I will be cheering him on!
I continued to date after Skiing boyfriend. I met a young man from church and he was amazing. We were both going through a weird time in our lives. (Who isn't/doesn't?) He, just dumped by the girl he moved to MA for and I, just broke up with Skier to be single... And to date Church Boy. I was 19 and confused. Church Boy and I spent a lot of time with the youth group and I loved dating someone who was so in love with their faith. It helped me fall in love with mine all over again. I will be forever grateful for that. We ended up dating for a few months and he was moving back California when, it happened. A little more than kissing and a question/statement, "if this is going to work, you'll have to move to California." He was the first guy I was ever comfortable being with being myself. I learned later that I was infatuated. Mistaking infatuation and LUST with LOVE. Sad but true. End of story.. I moved to Cali and it didn't work out. Lesson learned and I didn't date for a year. That was by far, the best year of my life.
You live. You LOVE. You learn.
Because I told myself I wouldn't date when I was in Cali, I went to church everyday, prayed and seriously considered religious life. I flew out to Colorado six months after living in Cali to help with a retreat at the St. Malo Center in Estes Park, CO. I spoke with a nun about my experience and when asked about my heart in regards to religious life, I told her how beautiful I thought religious life was. To totally give yourself to God in that way after He gave his Son's life for our sins. No words. When asked about marriage, I turned my face to hide the tears.
Marriage to me is everything. To go through life with that one person and give yourself totally to God together as two people who are now one. Well, let me tell you. I still hold that near to my heart. With that she told me that God wouldn't put that desire there if I wasn't called to marriage. I still feel called to this day. I just need to remember that God is going to put that person in my life, I can't tell him who he is going to put in my life.
After a year in California, I was ready to move home. I did meet someone right before I left and we are still good friends to this day. Zack, he's another amazing person in my life today :)
I ended up dating a guy from school six month after I returned home from a crazy trip to Italy. I had a bad summer. I was in Italy and acting out on emotion. I acted like I didn't care. Truth is, I didn't care, until after. Sometimes, I'm haunted by these things. Lust scares the crap out of me. It just acts so nice in the beginning.. to bad it leaves you lost and empty in the end.
With the new BF, I let myself go spiritually and I'm disappointed that I ever dated him. I'll leave it at that.
After BF, I started school again and for once, put myself first. Then a friend introduced me to a passionate faith-filled guy.
He flew out to MA for the weekend, to hang out and for us to meet (I think?). He and I had talked previously to meeting and I really enjoyed our conversations. We met and everything was great. Nice, put together and a gentleman. He didn't kiss me until two days after meeting me and it was innocent with a spark. After he left, he called me and we talked about me possibly flying out to where he was. I thought about it and thought some more. I said no, no thank you. I said no because I wanted this to be a good thing. I didn't want to start doing something that wasn't going to go anywhere.
Eventually, Flyer Guy flew me out to his home and we had a great time. He flew out to MA a few weeks after and then things got weird. Probably because I asked if we were dating or not, a few other hiccups along with that and I knew then, this might not be good. Except for the fact that he was "different" from all the others.
Well, LUST took over that relationship and I'm still broken up about it. I only pray that I may get to have this person back in my life the way God intended. I want a due over.
I have met someone, We'll call him Max, after the main character in his favorite book. He is different and let me tell you, he supports my desire to complete 365 Days of Purity (book by Jason Evert) till I'm married. 365 days might turn into 1460 days but he doesn't care and he's is a friend who I was keeping at arms length and I still am because I'm so afraid. The point is, it's not lustful and that I love. He is a great friend.
Remember: LOVE CAN WAIT TO GIVE. LUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET.