Faith in Truth, Truth in Faith

It's been six years since my big career change from Skating for Italy to Music Business Major at Berklee College of music. Four years since a lot of firsts. First real break-up, career move, actually moving away from home and leaving the family behind, the list goes on and on. My life has worked in reverse since I can remember. I was living a 30 year olds lifestyle before I was 18 years old. (Break up number one told me that) I always wanted things right away and as I got older, left high school to purse a skating career. I was home schooled my junior and senior year and by then, I was living in Lake Placid, Ny. I was as miserable as any 18 year old would be, who had the world at their fingertips. I was living in Milan, Italy previous to Lake Placid and let me tell you, I wanted to be on the first plane back.

After my first year in Lake Placid, I had a family, meaning team members, coaches and co-workers. Couldn't live with them and to this day, can't live without them. (I'm realizing this now)

My mother and father are the two most supportive people in my life. They kept me in Lake Placid against my will and if not for that, I would be a mess. I had a commitment to keep and I had a huge problem with commitment. I was always afraid I would be missing out on something else and to commit myself to a place where nothing happened, well I wasn't to keen on that.

I finally got over it and being in the best shape of my life and pretty cute too, decided that I would take advantage of the world and what it had to offer. Party party party.. Hard to admit now, but I was a crazy young lady and wanted everyone to want me. I was at every World Cup Event for winter sports and any semi famous athlete, well I wanted them to know who I was.

Note, at the this time I was going to church every Sunday, just as I did when I lived in Milan and just as I did when I was a child. When I needed a place to sit and think, I would go into the church and there I found peace. A place where I didn't hear people talk about weight, programs, who was wearing what and hooking up with who. It was me and God and that's all I cared about. The one commitment in my life that is well and alive to this day.

I received a phone call from a Catholic organization during my second year in LP. The man on the other end of line might not know it now, but he changed my life that day. He asked me if I was going to Mass regularly and I was. After a few more questions he asked if I was interested in being on the speakers bureau. Of course I was interested, for many different reasons though. I wanted to speak to people about how hard it was to live two separate lives, knowing that the one you really want to be living is the better part. So what if I stopped going to parties, dating and got in tune to who I really was? Why couldn't I do it and then get it together? Get me together. I struggled with this everyday.

Well, I was put on the Catholic Athlete website and something changed. I started going to church even more and actually thought about who I was and who I wanted to be. That would change more times in the course of five years then undergrads change what they want to major in in four! I went all over the board with who I was. I dated great guys and not so great guys. Those who told me that I changed them for the better and left me hanging and those who changed me for the worse and then it happened. I stopped caring. Again.

I moved back home after two and half year in Lake Placid. I was contracted to be there for three but I broke my ankle, was afraid I would gain weight, stopped eating and then when I was back on the ice after two months of ups and downs. I was doing well until my body told me enough was enough. I told people I wanted out and I wanted out now. Everyone knew I wouldn't last much longer in the skating world, and I took my broken ankle as blessing. I had time to think about what I needed and wanted and I fought a good fight. I moved back home and started volunteering with the youth group at church, coaching figure skating and getting back together with old friends. I met someone from church and we started dating. Three months went by and love was in the air and was about to leave. I was told the only way it would work out for us was if I moved. Within 4 months I was living in California and was left alone. Yup I moved and things faded. My faith saved me. I refused to give up faith in him. Everyone was going through something and after a year I was ready to move back home. No regrets, lesson learned and now it was time to go home and really get my life rolling.

I applied to Berklee, got in and had a goal. I was finally living my life for me instead of changing myself for whoever I was dating. (Whatever that means) Relationships were and are still the part of my life I think I have control over. I forget that I let God take care of a lot in my life, except boyfriends. Anyway, I was happy being single. I had a Great job that I was slowly starting to hate from time to time and doing well in every class. I was confident being myself outside of the rink for the first time in my life.

I met a friend of a friend and low and behold the weekend was fun. Nice, funny and put together, I thought, no need to jump in. I wanted to stay a safe distance and that was a first for me. Then, when I was ready to leap and I thought I saw an opening, well.. I got shut down.  A year later since this first meeting and what has been constant since this meeting and career change? Faith. Friends and family give me advise, they cheer me up and take me out. I'm working more for the church and happiest when I'm working with kids and directing the Children's Choir. I have faith in the people I have hurt in relationships and faith in the people who have hurt me.

So, with Faith in Truth I live today. Tomorrow, my faith in people will remain. Especially in those who think that just because my career has changed a 100 times might mean I'm not together, well... they don't live my life everyday and I don't live theirs. I'm working on being happy after I realized I was wearing so many masks, I couldn't find my face. I was letting other people decide who I should be. Seeing this for myself, I have faith that God will bring me the person who will let me keep my face and heart for that matter, the way He intended.